Thursday, September 16, 2010

I Give Five Dollar Mustache Rides

I have a beard. I actually get quite a lot of hate for it, even though I think its awesome. I haven't always had a beard, and I acquired the one I have now after several test-drives earlier this year. My recent foray into facial hair has me obsessed now with how it looks. I'm worried its not robust enough, or that I'll meet someone who has better facial hair than I do and then I'd have to shave out of a bizarre form of penis-envy.

It's like a dick but on your face.

I've been doing a lot of research about beards and facial hair in general in comparison to mine. Here are my findings:

Notable faces with hair on them
The best way to decide if something is right for you or not is to do some digging. You don't buy a car without taking it for a test drive and finding out whether it's a Toyota or not (seriously, those cars can't stop). The best facial hair in existence are simultaneously authoritative as well as sexy as hell. I mean, pogonotrophy is associated with wisdom and virility. Presented (in technicolor) below are the beards, mustaches, sideburns, etc. are what I would consider "The Best of the Best." Men, take note:

Frank Zappa

Karl Marx

Rollie Fingers

Salvador Dali

Dick Dastardly

Honest Abe

Freddie Mercury

Robert Downey, Jr.

Sam Elliott

How mine stacks up
Not that well. Although, to be honest, it is hard to stack up alongside facial hair like that.

I want to preface everything I say here by letting you all know that I think facial hair is awesome, and, in my case, almost necessary (more on that in a bit).

I have to say, my beard looks awful. I suppose it looks as good as it can, considering I've only been working on it a short time, but it still looks pretty bad. Like I said earlier, facial hair is meant to make one look wise and virile. Mine makes me look neither.

You have to think to yourself, what does it say about you? And for me, my beard tells the world that I haven't been on a date in so long that I have forgotten what it's like to actually care about my physical appearance. The best thing I can say about it is that at least I keep it trimmed up. Neck beards are disgusting.

But Joey, you undoubtedly will cry, if you don't think it looks good on you why don't you shave?

Good question. The answer is because shaving is proof that Satan exists and that he hates us. There is nothing worse than shaving except for spiders (another one of the Devil's little gifts for us mere mortals). When I was younger I cut myself shaving. Like real bad. Like several towels and a giant band-aid later it stopped bleeding bad. I have been terrified of the whole thing ever since.

The other reason I keep it around is because without it I feel like I look like a Muppet.

Now, I probably will shave in the future. Having a beard that broadcasts to everyone that I study Literature has its ups and downs. But, for the meantime until I shave, I will happily have a beard whilst also being profoundly aware of how it makes me look (notably that whole "starving English student" thing). I am not proud of my beard, but I acknowledge that it exists and have developed a small sense of fondness toward it. My beard and I have reached a pleasant understanding and it looks to remain that way for at least a little while.

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