Wednesday, November 9, 2011

We interrupt your regular programming

Most of you have noticed a little bit of lack of content around these parts recently. The explanation for that is that I was acting in a play for the past few weekends. Yep, in addition to me being an obnoxious literature and movie snob, I am now one of those crazy actors. I have my priorities straight though: First, acting success, then cocaine. Not the other way around. You go the other way about it and you get to be Andy Dick.

And nobody wants another one of him walking around

The play that I was in is Much Ado About Nothing, one of my favorite Shakespeare plays and I have to say, I had a pretty good time doing it. I played Don John, one of Big Willie Style's worst written villains. What I mean when I say worst written is that his motivations aren't very clear. He is the antagonist just because that's the kind of person he is. He's called "The Bastard" in the script a couple of times and I like to believe that living his whole life in his brother's (Prince Pedro) shadow had a lot to do with making him such a dick but other than a short monologue about him being a villain there's not much story there. This was done probably because it was a comedy and the villainy isn't supposed to be the focus but rather the focus is meant to be romantic and bumbling comedy side of the story. I tried to make the most of it though and be as snide and villainous as I possibly can (Editor's Note: snide and villainous isn't much of a change in personality for the author).

Most people's experience with Much Ado About Nothing comes from the Kenneth Branagh film from 1993. This movie was alright for the most part, but the character of Don John was played by Keanu Reeves who was so bad he got nominated for a Golden Raspberry. I would hope that I was a little better than Keanu "Cool Breeze" Reeves as Don John, but the jury's still out on that.

I promise my pants weren't as tight as this

As you can imagine, being in a play didn't leave a whole lot of time to update content for Presented in Technicolor, either in video form or for the Master Movie Character Countdown, but I wanted this to be a short update from me about what I was up to before I get back to the really fun stuff. I'd also like to take a moment to talk about horror movies a little bit. I bring this up because this past October has been yet another month where finding scary movie viewing companions was a little bit of a difficult endeavor for me, and I would like to address that fact now if I can.

I've had a hard time in the past because I seem to be the only person in the world that likes scary movies (Editor's Note: This is a bold faced lie on the author's part, many people like scary movies). I've always tried to get people to watch scary movies with me, but most just plain don't want to. That's fine, I respect their aversion to being spooked, but I feel an exception must be made for the month of October.

You see, I find that horror movies can be one of the pinnacles of artistic achievement in the film world. Art is meant to provoke an emotion in the audience, and when that emotion honest to god causes the audience to have nightmares and freak right the hell out, then that means the work is that much more powerful. Fear, I realize, isn't as difficult of an emotion to evoke in someone as elation or sadness, but there's just something about it that I love. It's primal, and when a great horror movie comes along it should make you want to turn the movie off, burn it with fire, and seal the remains under nine feet of cement.

Most people I know are uncomfortable with that level of emotion, but I cherish it. There's a time and place for it, sure, but I think that those times and places mostly occur in October when nobody wants to watch horror movies with me. The perfect occasion to watch a horror movie, I believe, is on a date. Now, hold on, don't leave yet. I have a perfectly good explanation for this.

See, wouldn't this be so much better with Halloween on the television?

It all boils down to what I have termed the Ahern Theory of Movie Date Optimization. Now, see, for every potential movie date there are many different factors. These can range from what the two parties are interested in, which date the movie will be watched on (first or billionth are two very different dates), the time of day, etc. If one can recognize and take into account all of these factors, one can create the ultimate movie date experience. This may not work all the time, but I believe I have figured out the perfect first movie date experience. This is not true for all, which is why this is just a theory, but with further research and the right funding I believe I can sit down and finally get this thing to apply to everyone and make it a law! (Editor's note: Please don't fund the author, this idea is stupid)

The idea behind a first date, I feel, is to get to know someone else better and see if that person is indeed someone you want to pursue a relationship with. As has been shown throughout human history this can be done many ways, but the dinner-and-a-movie date seems to be a staple. Why would a horror movie best fit in this situation? In my experience, most people do not like being scared. This means that if you get someone that doesn't normally enjoy scary movies to watch one with you, it moves the both of you outside of your comfort zone a little. It shows vulnerability and allows the two of you to bond through the experience of being scared out of your minds, together.

It may not surprise any of you that Hannelore is my favorite character in Questionable Content

If the both of you get scared easily, you could also encounter what I like to call the Scooby Doo Effect. To be completely honest, this happens to me more than I want widely known, but since no one reads these articles I'm pretty sure word won't get out. The Scooby Doo Effect is when one party gets so scared they jump into the arms of the nearest individual. This has only happened to me during one movie though, and that is The Exorcist because it is the scariest movie of all time. This can lead to the both of you laughing about how silly you've been for being spooked at a movie, and then conversation will continue in that direction. It may also lead to snuggles, which is a good thing in most every situation.

Again, this is just a theory. I can only hope it leads to more people watching horror movies. I think its pretty sound theory and it has worked okay in my experience. Now, who wants to go watch Event Horizon with me?

Yep, that's Dr. Alan Grant with his eyes torn out.

1 comment:

  1. See that is where you are wrong. Somebody DID read this and the word is out :) I'm telling everybody how big of a baby you are.