Wednesday, June 22, 2011

PiT Poetic Interlude: I Hate Snow

Snow is a terrible, terrible thing. It makes everything more dangerous, kills people through accidents and exposure, and is pretty much proof in every way that if there is a supreme deity out there, he hates us and wants us as miserable as possible.

 God is pretty much a jerk.

 Perhaps it is because everyone else in the world is misguided and silly but I actually get a lot of grief from others because of how much I hate the snow. I've been called 'Grinch' and 'Scrooge' most of my life because of how indoctrinated some people are with the idea that snow = whimsy. It doesn't. Snow = a pain in the ass. Snow = non-ideal weather conditions. Snow = terrible.

This past December I was inspired by my loathing hatred of snow to sit down and actually write something. What turned out were rambling scribbles that kind of pass as words sometimes and were vaguely shaped like a poem. 

 What do you want from me? I was raised by doctors.

After working for a few hours deciphering the Enigma Code that is my writing,  I think I have a manageable likeness of what the poem was supposed to be. As it is now June (and December is as far away as it could possibly be) I feel compelled to present to you, oh dear fans of Presented in Technicolor, the finished poem. Enjoy!

The Great Christmas Snow Heist

It was a "Merry Christmas!" for all,
From the biggest kid to the tiniest, tiny mouse
But there was one grouchy young fellow stuck brooding in a big, cold, lonely, miserable house.

He sulked and he sadly sat
Thinking "I hate this whole holiday thing,
The decorations, the weather, and those carolers that need to learn how to sing!"

"People just don't know what this holiday means.
They think its all about presents and snow days
And me! me! me! it seems."

Of course there were things our hero wanted, like Frampton Comes Alive!
He desired pie and cookies and snacks,
A bass guitar, and Red vs. Blue Seasons One through Five.

If anyone is still looking for a birthday gift for me...

But that wasn't the point
Our hero was fine without all that stuff.
He never asked for presents, preferring to pass on that nonsense oddly enough.

And so sadly sitting, our hero plotted, planned, quivered, and shook.
"I have an idea!" he cried
"I'll become the greatest Christmas holiday crook!"

Now, our hero had heard of Scrooge and that greasy, green Grinch.
But they didn't go far enough he thought,
They turned their acts around in a pinch.
Our hero went forth with his scheming, his brow furrowed with woe.
"What could possibly end Christmas?" he asked.
"I've got it, I'll steal all the snow!"

Oh how he laughed when he imagined the sight.
His mischievous smile widened,
His sly caper ready to take flight.

There they'll all be, waiting for a white Christmas like fools.
All they will find on that morning
Is the result of our hero's tools. 

Pictured: The only color of Christmas worth having

His plan fully in place, our hero began his work on a machine.
One that will wipe out the cold and snow,
Giving everyone the gift of a Christmas so green.

 He went through the plan one more time, his dastardly contraption almost set.
He would fly around the city,
And suck up all the snow in his fanciful jet.

Large and powerful, shaped ironically as a fat man's sleigh,
The mechanism would soon go to work,
Taking all the snow and cold away.

It started with a sputter and squeal, threatening to fall apart at any second.
But into the darkness of night it flew
"For death or warm weather," our hero reckoned.

The gizmo did its work on such a cold, frozen landscape.
"By the time everyone wakes," he said
"They'll see the warm, sunny day I shaped!"

Around and around he flew.
Ridding the world of cold
And creating Christmas anew.

He quickly finished his night's endeavors.
Our hero returned home
Excitedly waiting the crying, the complaining, and the occasional "whatever's."

He got on his roof to wait out Christmas morning.
The weather was beautiful
And would catch everyone without any warning.

Slowly but surely the people began to wake.
Our hero could hear their excited squeals turn to cries,
As they looked outside and didn't see a single snowflake.

It ruined Christmas for some but most just didn't care.
They knew there was more to the holiday
Than waiting for there to be snow in the air.

As the days went on our hero sat satisfied,
Knowing that what he did would ultimately help people,
Keep them safe on the roads, and make sure they were warm whenever they were outside.

The people slowly came over to his side of thinking.
The holiday means more than a bunch of white, cold fluff, they thought.
And when they saw the improved winter accident statistics they followed our hero without blinking.

"This fellow here has done something stupendous!"
Everyone laughed and played in the new warm weather,
All shouting "Be gone snow! Snow is horrendous!"

Look at that cold, snowy bastard

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